Four Funerals and Maybe a Wedding Read online

  “You stupid bloody girl,” he shouted. “What did you think you could gain by this? Did you think I wouldn’t find you? And what did you think I’d do to you when I caught you? This isn’t a bloody kid’s adventure story, you know. Now you’re to be sorry . . .”

  “No,” I said. “You’re going to be sorry.” And I whipped the cover off the largest cage, opened the door and tipped the bird out. It did just what I had hoped. It flew off, up into the trees with a noisy flapping of wings. Birdman Phil gave a cry of part rage, part despair. “Charlie!” he called. “Come to Daddy, Charlie. Here, birdie, here.” And he held up his wrist. Darcy stepped out from behind his tree, put his hands around Phil’s neck and gave what looked like a little squeeze, and Phil collapsed to the ground like a rag doll.

  “A little something I picked up in Argentina once,” Darcy commented with a satisfied little smile.

  “Is he dead?” I asked nervously.

  “No. He’ll regain consciousness soon.” He started to remove his belt. “I just hope my trousers don’t fall down without it,” he added as he turned Phil over, brought his hands behind his back and bound them tightly with the belt. Then he straightened up and reached into his pocket. “Ah yes.” Again he looked pleased. “My old nanny always told me never to go out without a clean handkerchief. She was right.” And he gagged Phil’s mouth with it.

  “What do we do now?” I asked, looking down at the figure in the bracken.

  “We make ourselves scarce before the others have time to find us or Phil,” he said, “and hope that the police get here in time to catch them. If not, at least they should be able to intercept them on their way to the port. Come on.” He took my hand and led me away from the scene. Above us in the tree the parrot called out, “Hello, bird! Give Charlie a kiss.”

  “Should we try to catch that parrot and put it back in its cage?” I asked. “It will alert everyone to where Phil is.”

  “We’ll have to risk that. I’d rather we put a good distance between us and them. Let’s find a good spot to hide out where we can watch the front gate.”

  We moved as silently as possible through the woods, then crept around the perimeter of the estate, keeping to the shade of the wall and moving from tree to tree. We chose an old oak with a good view of the house and the gate and stationed ourselves behind it. And waited. And waited. From time to time we heard voices, shouts, the squawk of that bird. We glanced at the gate, but no police cars arrived. I wondered if Chief Inspector Garland had ever received my message and what time he had planned to stop the getaway.

  “If the police don’t come in time, is there anything we can do?” I whispered.

  “What were you thinking—stepping out in front of the van and saying ‘Stop, you naughty boys’?” He shook his head. “We have to let them go, but we can telephone the police the moment they leave.”

  “Don’t you think one of us could go to the house now and make that telephone call?”

  “Too dangerous. We don’t know how many of them are still in the house. They will probably be armed.” He put his arm around me. “There is a line between bravery and recklessness.” Then he looked at me, his face inches from mine. “I’m not going to risk anything happening to you. I intend to marry my bride!” And he kissed me. We broke apart at the sound of a motor. It came from behind the west wing. They had started the van. We held our breath as it came into view. I couldn’t see how many people were in the cab because the sun was now in our eyes. I felt so helpless and angry, knowing that they were escaping with so many treasures. Darcy’s grip on me tightened as if he suspected I might rush out and try to stop them.

  As they reached the front gates I noticed for the first time that the gates were closed. Usually we left them open, not having a gatekeeper in residence. I didn’t have time to work out who might have closed them. Perhaps it was Granddad’s brilliant idea after they drove out. The van screeched to a halt. Fernando jumped down and rushed to open the gates. He pulled one heavy gate open, then the next, and was about to get back into the cab, when suddenly figures in blue poured into the driveway.

  “Going somewhere, Birdman?” Chief Inspector Garland asked.

  Chapter 36

  THURSDAY, JULY 4

  Thank heavens. I can’t believe the nightmare is over. Darcy is back and everything is wonderful.

  When the police had departed with Phil’s gang, we went back into the house.

  “I think you deserve a stiff brandy,” Darcy said. “But I’d better find it myself. There are no servants to ring for.”

  “Queenie!” I exclaimed. “Oh gosh, Darcy, I hope she’s all right.” I didn’t wait a second longer but pushed open the baize door and ran down the steps to the kitchen. It was empty. I went through to the butler’s pantry and stopped in horror. Plunkett was sprawled at his desk with his throat cut, quite dead. So that’s what Joanie meant when she had said Phil was sorting things out with Plunkett. I realized he might have been brought into this scheme against his will. Poor Plunkett. I never thought I’d feel sorry for him. But that made me all the more anxious for Queenie.

  “Queenie?” I shouted, my voice echoing around the cavernous kitchen. “Are you here?”

  Slowly the pantry door opened and Queenie’s face peeped out. “Blimey, miss, I thought I’d had my chips,” she said. She emerged brandishing a large kitchen knife. Behind her, terrified little Molly came out.

  “Oh, my lady, thank the good Lord,” she said. “That Fernando, he was the very devil himself. He took a knife to Queenie.”

  “He did?” I looked at Queenie.

  She shrugged. “He told me he was very tempted to cut me to shreds for being such an annoying woman and if I ever breathed a word he’d be back for me. So Molly and I hid in the pantry and I had a knife ready in case he came back.”

  “You don’t have to worry anymore,” I said. “The police have got them all, except for Plunkett, poor fellow. They killed him first.”

  “We heard something nasty going on, didn’t we, Molly?” Queenie said. “Some kind of fight and a nasty cry.”

  “Well, he’s in the butler’s room. Don’t go anywhere near it.”

  “Oh, don’t worry about that. I ain’t touching nothing,” Queenie said. She looked up as Darcy stood in the doorway. “Well, blow me down, it’s Mr. Darcy. Luckily I made plenty of shepherd’s pie. Shall I pop it in the oven?”

  Darcy looked at her and burst out laughing. “Queenie, you are a treasure,” he said. “You’ve just escaped death and you calmly talk about shepherd’s pie.”

  “Well, we have to eat, don’t we?” she said. “But I’m afraid you’ll have to make do with marrow. I ain’t about to go down the garden to pick more beans.”

  * * *

  MUMMY AND GRANDDAD returned and were both excited and horrified to learn all the details of what had happened.

  “Poor old Plunkett. How horrid,” Mummy said. “I can’t say I was too fond of him, but he must have found himself trapped in a situation he couldn’t escape from. But thank God that’s all over and we can start looking forward to your wedding.”

  “What about your own wedding?” Darcy asked. “And your grandfather’s wedding? Surely they come first and you’re looking forward to them?”

  “There will be no wedding for me or my father,” Mummy said in true dramatic fashion. “Death has robbed us both of our chance for happiness.”

  “Max died?” Darcy asked.

  “His father died. He doesn’t think it appropriate to marry me at the moment.”

  “And poor old Hettie Huggins died of heart failure,” Granddad said. “The excitement was too much for her.”

  “So many deaths,” Darcy said, glancing at me. “I hope that’s not an omen for us. I’m going to keep a watch on you every second until our wedding, Georgie.”

  “And I on you. No surprise jaunts to foreign parts, Darcy.”

  “None, I promise.” A strange look came over his face. “Actually I’ve been offered a proper job, by the foreign office. It’s a desk job. Safe as houses. No more getting the odd summons to far-flung places.”

  I hugged him. “Oh, Darcy, that’s wonderful. What good news.”

  “Yes, isn’t it?” he replied. “You’ll be stuck with me for dinner every night.”

  Then we ate the shepherd’s pie with a bottle of a rather good Beaujolais. And we chose to ignore the police who were coming and going, removing Plunkett’s body and combing the house for clues.

  Later that evening Darcy and I took a stroll together outside. The fountain was pattering gently and the last of the daylight glowed in the western sky. It felt so peaceful, and it was hard to believe that our lives had been in danger a few hours before. It hadn’t been until I found Plunkett dead that I realized just how much danger we had put ourselves in. Anyone who had calmly cut a colleague’s throat would certainly not have thought twice about finishing us off.

  “I’m so glad you came back just in time,” I said to Darcy.

  “So am I. I rather think you’d have gone off to face that Birdman character alone and you’d probably be lying dead in the woods at this moment.”

  I shuddered. “Don’t. It’s been so horrible, Darcy. I was so looking forward to making this house into a lovely home by the time you arrived. Now we won’t be able to touch any of the items that were stolen until Sir Hubert can come and identify them. And they’ll have to be exhibited as evidence.”

  “Is someone going to tell Sir Hubert?” he asked.

  “I don’t know how to find him. We can’t cable Sir Hubert Anstruther, somewhere in South America.” I laughed, but Darcy said, “I’ll cable the embassy in Buenos Aires. We have a special connection. They’ll track him down for us.”

  “You are quite useful in your way,” I said, gazing up at him adoringly.

  “Yes, I suppose I do have my uses.” He smiled at me and took me into his arms. “I can’t wait for this wedding to be over and us to be off on our honeymoon,” he whispered, nuzzling at my ear.

  “Neither can I. Oh, I want to enjoy the wedding first, but I am rather looking forward to the honeymoon part.”

  He laughed and kissed the tip of my nose. “I always suspected you were a hot little piece,” he said.

  “But speaking of honeymoons . . . The queen has offered us Balmoral.”

  He drew away from me, giving me a horrified look. “You didn’t accept, did you?”

  “No. I thanked her kindly, but I said I was sure you were planning our honeymoon.”

  “Thank God for that. I can’t imagine anything worse than sleeping in a room with tartan wallpaper and being woken by bagpipes at dawn.”

  I laughed. “And having all those servants creeping around,” I added. “So what do you have planned for us?”

  “I can’t tell you; it’s a secret.”

  “That’s not fair. How do I know what to pack if I don’t know where I’m going? It would be rather different if it’s Brighton or Beirut.” I looked up at him. “You don’t know, do you? You haven’t planned anything yet.”

  “I have several options,” he said. “I haven’t yet decided on one. But it will be fantastic wherever we go. And I have the first part in place. A friend has offered me his houseboat on the Thames. I thought you and I could go there after the ceremony. Just the two of us on a boat. No servants. No hotel.”

  “Oh yes,” I said. “That does sound heavenly.”

  “Good. And don’t worry about the rest. It will all fall into place.”

  “I’d be happy on a houseboat,” I said. “I don’t need to go anywhere else.”

  “We’ll see.” His arms tightened around my waist. “And in the meantime . . .” And then neither of us spoke for quite a while.

  As we walked back to the house Darcy said, “I’ll stay until everything is sorted out here with the police, but then I’d better go back to Zou Zou in London.”

  “You prefer her company to mine?” I teased.

  “I don’t want any talk before the wedding,” he said. “No nasty rumors about the groom’s impropriety and the bride’s honor. We’re doing things properly.”

  We were heading back to the house when a police motorcar arrived and Chief Inspector Garland got out.

  “Well, that’s that,” he said, striding out to catch up with us. Then he noticed Darcy. “Hello, who is this?”

  “My fiancé, the Honorable Darcy O’Mara,” I said. “Darcy, this is Detective Chief Inspector Garland of Scotland Yard.”

  The men shook hands. “You’ve just arrived, have you?” he asked.

  “Just in time, so it seems,” Darcy said. “My bride-to-be was about to run off into the woods with the gang leader’s birds.”

  “Was she, now?”

  “We had to slow them down somehow,” I said. “They were about to leave before you arrived. And it worked, didn’t it? Darcy helped me carry the birds into the forest. And Phil followed us and Darcy knocked him out and tied him up. And by the time the others found him they had wasted at least half an hour.”

  DCI Garland looked at me, shaking his head. “You take risks, young lady.”

  “I know. I don’t always stop to think things through.”

  “Luckily it all ended well for you,” DCI Garland said. “What a nasty business, eh? We’ve got them all under lock and key and the stolen goods are all in our possession. Very astute of you, by the way, Lady Georgiana. If you hadn’t made that telephone call, they’d have been on a boat by now. We apprehended the boat too, as it was docking at Newhaven.”

  “I wasn’t at all sure that the police sergeant wouldn’t think I was batty,” I said, “but I couldn’t risk anyone listening in on the extension.”

  He grinned. “As luck would have it, I was passing his desk when he put the phone down and said, ‘Some barmy girl wanted to speak to her uncle Garland.’ And he was laughing until I said, ‘I’m her uncle Garland. What did she say?’”

  “Would you like to come in for a drink, Chief Inspector?” Darcy asked.

  “No, thanks, but good of you,” he said. “I’ve a couple of things to check on where the body was found. It won’t be a few years in prison this time; it will be the rope for Birdman Phil.”

  “So you don’t think that Plunkett was part of their gang?”

  “We’ve no record of him. I suspect he arrived as butler and they either bribed or threatened him to turn a blind eye.”

  The inspector accompanied us into the house and popped in to talk to my grandfather.

  “So I suppose you’ll have to go back to a London house for a while, won’t you?” he asked us. “I’m afraid we’ve robbed you of all your servants, and places like this don’t run themselves.”

  I thought for a moment, realizing I didn’t want us to go. I certainly didn’t want Granddad to have to go back to his own home yet, and Mummy to have to find a hotel. “You know, I think we can muddle through,” I said. “Queenie can cook for us and Molly can help her.”

  “And I can muck in and help keep the place tidy,” Granddad said.

  “Certainly not,” I said. “You’re my guest. And the women from the village come in to clean anyway. We’ll just ask them to come more often. Old Ben can take care of the kitchen garden and I bet Mrs. Holbrook wouldn’t mind coming back as housekeeper until we get things sorted out.”

  I saw nods of agreement all around.

  Chapter 37

  SATURDAY, JULY 6, AND BEYOND

  AT EYNSLEIGH AND LATER AT RANNOCH HOUSE

  Counting down the days until my wedding! I can’t believe it’s finally going to happen. Everything is finally going smoothly.

  And so it was just us at Eynsleigh. As I suspected, Mrs. Holbrook was delighted to come back to work for a while and in turn she brought back two local maids who had been let go. Old Ben brought in a couple of village lads as undergardeners and the place ran like clockwork. I was beginning to think that I didn’t want another butler. They were always so impossibly snooty and I didn’t think they contributed much!

  We all accompanied Granddad to Mrs. Huggins’s funeral on Saturday. Queenie came too and I heard her boasting about her prowess as cook in a “bloody great house. Ever so posh.” Having seen Mrs. Huggins’s family together, en masse, I was truly grateful that Granddad had not married her. He was extra quiet all the way home and I suspect he was thinking the same thing.

  And a few days after that DCI Garland paid us a visit. He told us we would be called upon as witnesses but suggested we leave out any mention of the death of Mr. Broadbent when we were questioned. Although he suspected I was quite right in my deduction, he saw no way of proving it, and it would just confuse a jury. As it was we had a clear case of murder, and one was enough. All he had to ascertain was who actually did the deed and whether the others could be charged as accessories to the crime.

  “And what about Lady Anstruther?” I asked. “Can you prove murder there?”

  “Unfortunately not. There is no sign of trauma to her body, but she could have been suffocated or poisoned really easily and we’d never know about it now.”

  “I can understand why they wanted her dead,” I said. “If she arrived back at Eynsleigh unexpectedly and found them in residence, she would have made an awful fuss about the state of the house and the quality of the servants. Clearly she’d have to go. But why pretend she was still alive and impersonate her?”

  DCI Garland grinned. “I’ll give you one reason. Money. The old girl was getting a sizable allowance while she was alive, and she had plenty in bonds and securities and jewelry, which they were busy selling off. Her adviser Mr. Broadbent must have sensed something was wrong, which was why he paid her a visit.”